I am getting better

I am getting better each day. A new chapter is about to start. The changes this year have been fast and plenty of them but as we head into autumn I feel it’s gonna be OK. I haven’t been well for the last month my mental health had reached the limit, the bucket overflowed as they say. But I’m working hard on emptying the bucket.. almost. Just bear with me OK?

The fear

The fear of being a single parent changed to me enjoying my kids in a more focused way. The first few months felt like I had been tossed in the deep end, but I have been blessed with two beautiful children.

The fear of social ostracism for transitioning turned out to be my brain jumping at shadows. I’m sure luck and privilege have much to do with the very low frequency of hassles I get for being trans. Now, I am just another woman who’s accepted or rejected for the type of person I am instead of what I am.

The fear of being single and alone for the rest of my life was simple negativity and a relationship I had this year put that and took me to bed this year. Now, I get to find someone who wants me for me and we get to discover each other.

I wouldn’t say the aperture of my happiness is fully open yet, I have a long way to go. The best part is with it open, the possibilities for happiness increase because the vista is larger. When it was just starting to open, I could only see one happiness at a time through the pinhole. With it open much wider, I’m having to remind myself to look around at all the possible happiness I could have because it’s just laying there, waiting for me to find it.

I’m happier than I was before transition by a country mile. I have moments of joy and contentment. The feeling of happy comes and goes, but at least I can see it now because I’m open to it.